A better ability to self-regulate makes many things in life easier. If you want to know what's behind it, this article is for you.
I recently read the following definition somewhere: ‘Self-regulation means not constantly doing things that you later regret.’ Even if this description of self-regulation is a bit flippant, at its core it is quite accurate. The weaker our ability to self-regulate, the more we lose control of our behaviour in conflicts, for example. And the more is there room for regret...
What does better self-regulation look like?
Besides avoiding regret, there is other signs that your ability to self-regulate is improving.
Here are some of them:
You experience yourself more as the captain of your ship.
You feel less often overwhelmed by the demands of your daily life.
When something ‘big’ happens that is challenging, you feel your emotions (whether that's sadness, anger, or something else), but they don't overwhelm you or sweep you off your feet.
You feel up to the tasks that are lying ahead of you.
If something triggers you (i.e. throws you off balance, annoys you, unsettles you), you have more room for manoeuvre to decide: how do I want to react? Do I want to react at all?
It's okay for you to be sad or angry or anxious. You can allow yourself (in the right situations) to experience these different feelings and ‘hold’ them. When a situation is safe, you don't have to suppress your feelings, push them aside or mask them. You can take the risk of being authentic.
You experience more or more often: joy, curiosity, inner peace, balance, a feeling of connection with other people or creation.
You find ways* to relax and ‘come down’. (*Ways that are not harmful; i.e. no alcohol, cigarettes or similar).
"More self-regulation makes your life better. Period."
Sounds great? It is! It's not for nothing that Dami Charf, one of the experts for trauma healing in the German-speaking world, describes self-regulation as the foundation for a good, happy and fulfilled life. More self-regulation makes your life better. Period.
So, what does it look like if your ability to self-regulate is not yet as developed?
Here are a few examples:
There is always drama in your life.
Your emotional ups and downs make you feel like you are on a rollercoaster.
Everything is exhausting.
You get upset faster, more often or more intensely than you want to.
Your relationships are complicated, prone to failing, and they suffer from repeated emotional ‘explosions’ or ‘breakdowns’ of one or both partners.
You often feel helpless, powerless, overwhelmed.
You are constantly stressed, on edge, as if driven.
You can't find the strength or motivation to do the things you want to do.
You find it difficult to calm down and relax, you have to be in action all the time.
The opposite of self-regulation: drama, loss of control or agency, stress, despair
As you can see, a lack of ability to self-regulate can lead to a host of different symptoms, all of which make our life more difficult and less enjoyable than it could be. The symptoms can be quite dramatic or more subtle.
Exhaustion in particular is one of the subtle symptoms that is often not immediately associated with the nervous system and self-regulation. Another example is feeling overwhelmed by seemingly small things, or often feeling latently irritable (impatient, on the attack).
It is important to realise: the ability to self-regulate is not something that you ‘have’ or ‘don't have’. Instead, the ability to self-regulate is developed differently in different people. This means that you currently have a better or worse, stronger or weaker ability to self-regulate. (But you for sure do have some! :D)
How well we are able to regulate ourselves depends on our biography - especially on what we experienced in the first three years of our lives, how we bonded with our parents and how well or poorly regulated their own nervous systems were -, on our habits and on situational, short-term factors. An example of the latter: whenever I am hungry or have a cold coming on, my ability to regulate decreases dramatically and I explode more easily. Lack of sleep is another typical example of a situational factor that makes regulation more difficult. (Parents of young children and people who have chronic sleep problems or work shifts probably know what I'm talking about...)
Situational factors can be altered and habits can be changed. Also the patterns established in our biography can be transformed - slowly but steadily. Self-regulation can be learnt. Just as you can improve your skills as a guitarist or cook, just as you can improve your Spanish or learn a new sport, you can learn how to self-regulate and improve your self-regulation.
In my understanding, this change, this learning, requires us to include different dimensions of ourselves or our system. It is not enough to relieve pressure by talking about something (even though this can feel really good and be an important part of healing and recalibrating!) or by cognitively grasping an issue. Instead, we need an approach that involves the mind as much as the body. We learn self-regulation best when we address our emotions as well as our behaviours and the flow of energy within our system. If we compassionately understand why we have become the way we are and at the same time practise new ways of being in the body, then we are already on the path to better self-regulation.
If any of this catches your interest and you would like to experience the benefits of more self-regulation in practice, then I would love to invite you to my course ‘The Nervous System Lab’.
The Nervous System Lab happens twice a year online - each autumn and spring. There is a group in English und a group in German language.
The autumn course 2024 starts in the first week of September! If you want to join us, you can sign up here.
To get an impression of what the course is like, you can also read "The first reports from the Nervous System Lab."
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